so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
