we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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