I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize