i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
