Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
