god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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