i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
