While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
