my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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