Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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