If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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