I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
