Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize