Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize