Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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