You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
