my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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