So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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