It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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