woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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