If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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