I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize