Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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