I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize