i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
