Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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