Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
