he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
