My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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