I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
