Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
