Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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