The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
