either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
