hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
