you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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