when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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