my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize