just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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