I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
