girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
