I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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