I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
