nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
