Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
