everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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