Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
