Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
