Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my shit smells like andre
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
