Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
