We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
