so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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