Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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