So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
