My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
