alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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