The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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