yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize