if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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