and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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