Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
