I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
