I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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