I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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