Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
