There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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