im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
