i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
