trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
