Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
