im having a threesome with these popsicles
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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